don't ASSUME i need help JUST to make yourself feel "useful" *IF* i don't really need it.

in the car today, on my way back from church, fredrick was trying to tell me that i'm not "ready" to live in new york independently because i "still need help" and i said, "well i'm TRYING to get a job but dicks like yourself just try taking advantage of my disability so that they actually have jobs." then fredrick said, "there are other handicap people that i could help if you weren't here." EXACTLY.. yet dicks won't even let me attempt to show people that i'm strong and smart enough to be independent (like getting my driver's license for example, the dicks at the courage center KNOW that if they fail me and just say i need more therapy, i'll keep attending that waste-of-space sad excuse of a "rehab institute" because NO ONE is doing their REAL jobs of advocating for ME and my independence because they'll lose a truly motivated client. i look back at the videos and i attended that shit for AT LEAST in 2012, 2013, AND 2014.. PEOPLE CONVENIENTLY FAIL TO RECOGNIZE THAT. I DON'T NEED "MORE THERAPY"- I NEED BETTER THERAPY WHICH WILL ACTUALLY RECOGNIZE MY TRUE POTENTIAL AND ACTUALLY HELP ME GET BETTER- ADAPTING TO MY POTENTIAL. NOT JUST SOME STUPID FUCKING MACHINE YOU MOVE YOUR LEGS BACK AND FORTH WHILE PUSHING AND PULLING SOME BARS THAT A PERSON WITH 3 BRAIN CELLS COULD OPERATE. guess i'm damned to being a fucking loser because i made one bad decision which nearly killed me (and i'm regretting right now that it didn't KILL ME since NO ONE will give me the opportunity to do ANYTHING that doesn't make me look like some disabled moron who depends on social security). i'm just surprised that i haven't actually ran out on the road in traffic, as much as i think about it. that would end my problems of everyone underestimating me for their own fuckin convenience. KNOWING MY LUCK THOUGH- i'd live through getting ran over and lose everything i've gained in rehabilitation that no one acknowledges anyway. my grandma stupidly put her confidence in someone who is just as naive as her but now she only feels like paying attention to me whenever it's convenient and beneficial to her. maybe i'll just luckily be picked in the jackpot for housing in massachusetts since i'm pretty sure all my applications to apartments in new york housing lotteries- expired or are non-existant because i'm not consistent to keep up with them all. this might satisfy my mom but i hate to tell her the reality of the situation and if she wouldn't be so fucking stupid- she'd realize this just by the amount of contact i have with her- keeping me FROM living HAPPILY in a place where i ACTUALLY WANT to live WON'T magically make me want to associate and/or contact my mommy and/or family who doesn't pay attention to me anyway (so pretty much all my family except joe). when a person grows up- they make their OWN lives where they don't depend on their clingy parents or family.. NEWSFLASH FOR YOU IDIOTS THAT DON'T SEEM TO COMPREHEND THAT. it's shit like this that make me say, "AND YOU MORONS WONDER WHY I WANT TO MOVE.. WHEN YOU DON'T SUPPORT ME TO TRULY PROGRESS IN LIFE." I'M GETTING TOO OLD FOR THIS SHIT. JUST BECAUSE I MAY BE YOUNGER THAN YOU- DOESN'T MEAN THAT I'M A FUCKING SPRING CHICKEN WHO HAS ALL THE DAMN TIME IN THE WORLD. STOP WASTING MY TIME AND LIFE FOR YOUR FUCKING CONVENIENCE. SELFISH PRICKS.